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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165197">Don't Punish Me For What I Feel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool'>Winged_Fool</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Star Trek, Doing Terrible Things to Stay Alive, Eugenics, Famine - Freeform, M/M, Tarsus IV Au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:48:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When the replicators go down on their ship, Michael learns a truth about Alex he never imagined possible. Star Trek/Tarsus IV AU</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>80</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't Punish Me For What I Feel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex came to Antar as a refuge when he was in his teens. He doesn’t talk about his time before Antar, but he’ll tell you all about what happened when he arrived. About all the hustling he did on the streets to save enough money to enroll in Antar’s military academy; how he excelled at the academy, one of the only humans in his cohort; how he fell in love with the stars the first time he served on a ship; how he quickly rose through the ranks to become First Officer aboard Antar’s finest ship. Michael knows Alex won’t hesitate to talk about all that because that’s all he’s ever told him.</p><p>In the dark of their chambers, Michael tries to coax it out of him, but Alex is tight-lipped. He smiles at Michael’s attempts and distracts him with a flick of his wrist or a swipe of his tongue. Michael lets him distract him, but hopes the time will come where Alex will open up to him.</p><p>And the time does come. But in a way Michael never expected.</p><p>They’re on an exploratory mission when the news comes, about two weeks out from Antar. Liz comms the bridge to let them know that their replicators are out. Her team is working the best they can on the situation but they will have to re-route back to Antar for the repairs and rely on MREs until they can get the replicators operational again.</p><p>Michael takes in the information thoughtfully. He has Isobel comm the rations director who confidently relays that they have enough MREs and water to hold the crew until they get back to Antar. It’ll certainly be tight, but the ship is equipped to handle it. He nods and tells her to come up with a dining schedule that will minimize the crew’s hunger the best.</p><p>Michael then instructs Max to plot the fastest course back to Antar. Everyone seems confident that this won’t be an issue so Michael doesn’t worry, he has faith in his crew. Then he turns to meet Alex’s eye and the panic sets in.</p><p>Alex’s face is completely blank and pale. Michael walks over to him and places a hand on his shoulder and he’s trembling. “Commander?” Michael asks softly. Alex looks up at Michael and his eyes are completely wild, his breathing erratic. Michael can feel all the eyes from the bridge watching their interaction and he hates it. Alex doesn’t need an audience for whatever is going on. “Commander, to my ready room. Come on.” He all but pulls Alex out of his seat and drags him off the bridge.</p><p>When they’re in the ready room, Michael gently sits Alex down on one of the chairs in the room. His breathing is still coming out in shuddering breaths and he looks like he’s in a cold sweat. Michael crouches down in front of him and takes his hands gently into his own. “Alex?” he asks softly. “Alex you’re okay. Everything is okay.”</p><p>Alex’s eyes are shooting all over the place as though in fear and waiting for an enemy attack, but as Michael continues to soothe him, he starts to relax. “Michael?” he croaks out, confusion slightly lacing his voice.</p><p>“There you are,” Michael smiles, “Where’d you go, Commander?”</p><p>Alex shudders, his eyes falling shut. “I’m emotionally compromised.”</p><p>Michael laughs in disbelief. Alex is always so sure of himself, able to compartmentalize all his feelings, so in control. But he’s now looking at Michael with pleading eyes not to make a big deal about this. “Okay,” Michael tries to reorient himself to this new reality. “Is it the...replicators being down?”</p><p>He shudders again, clenches his jaw and nods once. “I can’t be on the bridge pretending everything is fine.”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Michael admits softly, “But whatever you need.” Alex is looking at him with unshed tears shining in his eyes and suddenly Michael <em>knows</em>. Alex wasn’t just some refuge, an orphan of the universe. He’s a refuge from the Vixil Famine Genocide.</p><p>Alex must see the realization click with Michael because he looks away. “Please. Don’t - I can’t talk about it like this.”</p><p>Michael wants to push back, make sure Alex is really okay, but he trusts Michael and he can’t break the boundaries they’ve established. “Okay. Not like this,” he agrees and runs a thumb across Alex’s cheek. “I’ll have Isobel take your place until we’re back on Antar. You can be off-duty or work on the computer engineering projects we’ve had to put on hold. Whatever you need,” he repeats.</p><p>Alex swallows thickly and squeezes the hand still in his, “Thank you, Michael.”</p><p>“Then we’ll talk?” he asks carefully.</p><p>“Then we’ll talk,” Alex promises and Michael embraces him. He’s still trembling in Michael’s hold, so he grasps him tighter to his chest hoping to ease away the demons currently rearing their heads within Alex’s turmoil.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The two weeks back to Antar are agonizing for Michael. Everyone is well fed and no one is complaining about the status of the replicators. But everyone looks at Alex’s empty seat on the bridge and they look at Michael with questions in their eyes. But it’s not his to share. He studiously ignores their looks, their questions, and commands like nothing is wrong.</p><p>But when he goes to the computer labs and he finds Alex staring off or shaking, he can’t pretend everything is okay. He holds Alex at night, tight against his chest, breathing in his hair, and wonders.</p><p>Retrospect is everything and this crisis has shed a light on Alex that Michael had ignored. He thinks of the times Alex has never missed a meal. The way he religiously stops work to make sure they both get all three meals a day. How he’s never shared his food with Michael, the dark looks he sends when people throw away food.</p><p>It makes Michael sick because how many other things has he chosen to ignore?</p><p>Alex smiles at Michael when he pulls him out of his stupor in the labs. He holds on to Michael tighter, craves more physical attention from Michael, but it’s all innocent. Clutching his hand when they walk back to their chambers, nestling in close to Michael when they go to sleep. Michael walks him to the labs before heading to the bridge, and Alex hugs him long as though he’s afraid he won’t see him again.</p><p>It makes Michael so angry. He wants to find whoever put that look on Alex’s face and destroy them. But Governor Pree and all the perpetrators on Vixil have already been imprisoned or executed. </p><p>But Michael would destroy the universe if it made Alex feel safe.</p><p>They return to Antar with no incident. The first thing Michael does when they get back is order a large banquet set up in his chambers and he takes Alex there and feeds him all his favorite foods. Alex protests half-heartedly, but he capitulates and lets Michael hand-feed him until they’re both dizzy with desire and full from the food and each other.</p><p>It takes a few days, but as they pass, Alex becomes more like himself again. He’s snarky and sarcastic with Michael and doesn’t look like he’s going to fall apart. He smiles softly at Michael, squeezing his hand before pulling him away to their chambers in the castle. Michael doesn’t want to push him before he’s ready to talk about it, but he worries that Alex will just brush it off like it didn’t happen.</p><p>Michael is holding Alex tightly in his embrace one night after they’ve fucked for the first time since the crisis. They’re chest to chest and he’s laying soft kisses on Alex’s bare shoulder while Alex keeps his eyes closed and hums happily. “Michael…” Alex says softly, on a sigh.</p><p>“Hmm?” Michael, still preoccupied with Alex’s shoulder, doesn’t look up.</p><p>Alex brushes his fingers through Michael’s curls, staying silent for a moment. “I’ve never talked to anyone about this.”</p><p>Michael freezes for a moment but doesn’t want to spook Alex into stopping so he immediately relaxes again, pulls his head back so he can look at Alex’s face. Alex isn’t looking at him, staring at a spot on the wall, hands anxiously tangled in Michael’s hair.</p><p>“I’ve never said the words aloud. When the Antarian rescue ships came, I told them my family had died in the famine and had no family on earth. That’s why they brought me here, a ward of the kingdom,” Alex speaks quietly, voice pitched low and his breathing a bit laborious. “Then I locked it away and never talked about it.”</p><p>He pulls Alex’s hands out of his hair and squeezes them. He finally looks at Michael, his eyes are wild again like they were that day on the bridge. “When Liz said the replicators were down, I was there again. Listening to Governor Pree tell us that the colony’s replicators were no longer functional. I felt hungry in a way that I hadn’t in years.”</p><p>“You don’t have to tell me if you can’t,” Michael says, it’s not what he wants to tell him, everything screams in him to make Alex talk about it so they can work through the trauma together. But Alex looks so scared, so <em>s</em><em>ad</em>.</p><p>“I love you, Michael,” Alex replies, almost randomly. “You’re so patient with me, but I want to tell you. I just can’t speak the words. I’ve practiced in my head over and over, but the moment I try to tell you, I’m frozen with fear.”</p><p>It takes Michael a moment to understand what Alex is saying. He’d made clear to Michael years ago that he never wanted Michael’s handprint, first because he didn’t want people to think he had fucked his way to his position and then because he never wanted Michael in his head. It was an argument long put to rest, something that still hurt Michael but had accepted. “Are you sure?”</p><p>Alex nods once, jerkily. “I couldn’t let you in, I didn’t want you to <em>see</em>. I know I hurt you, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous,” Michael says softly and moves to cradle Alex’s face. Michael kisses him gently, softly, closed-mouthed but full of love. When they pull apart, Alex’s eyes are closed and he looks wrecked. Michael leaves feather-light kisses all over Alex’s face and the tension eases.</p><p>He takes a deep breath before opening his eyes. “Okay. I’m ready.”</p><p>Michael moves his hand over Alex's chest, feeling his heart thud rhythmically beneath. "Here?" </p><p>"Where you already live," Alex agrees. </p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It starts, like most things, with his father. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jesse Manes sent his sons to military camp every summer. In retrospect, it was the kindest thing he ever did for Alex. The spring he turned 14, Jesse pushed him down the stairs for some small slight that Alex doesn’t even remember anymore. The fall broke his right leg and it wasn’t healed in time for the summer enrollment for the military camp. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jesse hears from a colleague about the colony on Vixil; the Air Force has a pilot program for young men to live on the colony helping with its construction. It’s a year-long program and it’s the perfect opportunity for Jesse to still kick Alex out of the house. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When summer rolls around, Alex has a few meager items packed and is sent to outer space for the first time, leg still in its cast.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The thing is, people think the eugenics was put in place once the famine got severe. But it had been long in place before the replicators went down, before the genocide began. Every colonist had to fill out a form with their background and attach a picture with the application, then they were separated into Viables and Irreparables. It wasn’t subtle but it was easy to look the other way. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Alex was firmly placed in the Irreparables; merely average intelligence, broken leg, and GAY emblazoned on his file, he never had a chance.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The Irreparables did most of the heavy lifting in the colony, building houses, working on infrastructure. With his broken leg, Alex couldn’t help with those tasks so he helped set up the network in the colony. Irreparables weren’t given medical care and his leg healed wrong. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Viables lived in modest luxury, not expected to fill their days with work. They got all their meals from replicators while Irreparables were forced to survive on rations. It was just enough food to stave off hunger pains, but only just. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Alex made it through the summer before the cracks started to appear. The replicators weren’t being maintained properly and they started breaking down. Governor Pree made an announcement through the network system that Irreperables would be going down to broth and rice while the rations would be redistributed to Viables until the replicators were repaired. </em>
</p><p><em> He started hearing rumors of the older Irreparables disappearing. Then some of his bunkmates are called to the Governor’s mansion and never return and Alex </em>knows<em>. They’re being executed to save food, the famine and replicator situation is much worse than Pree announced. He knows he needs to get out of the barracks, the colony is surrounded by woods and thanks to all the survival tactics he’d learned at the military camp, he’s fairly confident he can slip away. </em></p><p>
  <em> Alex waits until the dead of night, the light snores of his bunkmates his signal. He grabs his backpack and stuffs it with the threadbare blanket of his cot, a change of clothes, all of his socks, and a knife. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He’s quiet as he sneaks around the colony, he knows he needs to take some food with him. He breaks into the Viables’ food storage and stuffs as many rations will fit in his backpack. Then he takes off into the forest. He finds a tree that should work as a hideout for him, he climbs it, his right leg screaming in protest, and finds a branch he can lay comfortably on. He surveys his haul and sees he grabbed about 8 rations and if he splits it up, he thinks he can last about 20 days. Plenty of time for distress signals to be picked up and rescue ships to come. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Alex spends the days sleeping so at night he can quietly survey the situation in the colony. Guard patrols become more frequent so Alex knows it would be impossible to break into the food storage again. By the seventh day, Alex notices a mass grave being set up outside of the colony, he hurries back to his tree before he can throw up. The stench of the rotting bodies and the burnt corpses stuck in his nose. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He’s hungry all the time and he’s quickly running out of rations. His leg aches and will sometimes twist when he’s climbing back into his tree. Alex has scouted most of the forest, there are no berries, hardly any wildlife, the forest is bereft of food. There’s a stream nearby where he washes and drinks from, and at night he hears screaming in the distance and tries to block it out as he tries to sleep. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His luck runs out twenty five days into his escape. He’s out of rations and is filling himself with water to keep full. He’s there with his guard down when he’s found. Alex hears the crunching of boots on the grass behind him, but he’s too slow, just as he’s about to turn he’s grabbed and harshly turned over. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What do we have here?” a guard sneers, he’s middle-aged and has an ugly look of contempt on his face. He nudges Alex’s hands away from his face with the butt of his gun. “A dirty little Irreparable.” Alex tries to ball up, but the guard kicks his arms away and steps on one of his arms. “You look hungry. Bet you could use a ration.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Alex looks up at that and the look the guard has makes the realization click in Alex’s head. He nods, understanding what he needs to trade for food. The guard releases the pressure on Alex’s arm and he sits up on his knees, hands trembling as he goes to undo the belt. The guard spews filth, calling Alex every name under the sun. "Whore," he snarls as he comes and slams the butt of his gun against Alex's temple, knocking him out.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When Alex comes to, he's laying half in the creek but a ration and a canteen for water on his chest. He cries in shame as he fills the canteen in the creek and doesn't stop until he's back in his tree, half asleep.  </em>
</p><p><em> The guard comes around every third day and Alex waits for him, sucks his cock for food. It’s barely enough to keep him alive, he feels his stomach sticking together and his leg </em>aches. <em> Alex is climbing out his tree one day when the guard finds him and pins him to the trunk. “I’ve been keeping you alive for weeks, whore. I think I deserve something more than your filthy mouth,” he hisses into Alex’s ear and begins to rip his clothes away. Alex tries to struggle in the hold, tears in his eyes, and the guard places a heavy hand over his mouth, “You scream or continue to struggle, and I’ll slit your throat.” </em></p><p>
  <em> He’s done some terrible things to stay alive, apparently for weeks, and is he really going to let it end like this? Alex stops struggling and finds a spot on the tree to stare at while he lets the guard do whatever he wants with his body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When the act is over, the guard has a twisted smile on his face, “You were so good, I’ll give you two rations today.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Three,” Alex says hallowly, staring out at the field of grass around them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He laughs, “Fine.” As he is reaching into his satchel to pull the rations out, Alex spots a large rock not too far from where they’re standing. He makes the decision quickly, without giving more thought to it, and grabs the rock slamming it to the back of the guard’s head. He falls, the force of the rock and surprise of the attack off-balancing him, and Alex takes the opportunity to straddle him and continue pummeling the guard’s face with the rock. He’s much weaker than the guard, but his adrenaline keeps him going until the guard’s face is a bloody mess and Alex collapses on top of the body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He lays there for a moment, trying to catch his breath before he gets up. He feels nothing for the guard now dead before him, no remorse, guilt, nothing. He rummages through the guard’s satchel and comes up empty. The guard had nothing on him. Alex wants to wail, he was a fool that allowed this ugly violation for food that didn’t exist. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Alex thinks maybe this was the way it was always going to end. Even if he survived, he would just be sent back to his father who would probably be disappointed that he didn’t die on Vixil.  </em>
</p><p><em> He’s just so </em>hungry<em>. It’s been days since the last ration and he’s given up hope that they’ll be rescued. He is an Irreparable and he should just die as one. But he refuses to give up here, next to the man who violated him over and over. </em></p><p>
  <em> There are some bushes not too far from where they are and if he can just crawl over there, everything will be okay. Death on his own terms. And when he’s finally dead, he won’t ever be hungry again. He just needs to get to those bushes and everything will be...okay. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Their connection ends abruptly and Michael is heaving, taking deep shuddering breaths. He reaches blindly for Alex and they clutch each other for a long moment. When Michael finally pulls away, Alex’s face is scrunched up and tear-stained. “I made it to the bush,” Alex says, voice broken, “I guess that’s where the Antarian soldiers found me. The guard must have known already by then that they were on the planet. He took so much from me. He almost took everything.”</p><p>“He didn’t,” Michael whispered heatedly. “You’re here with me and he’ll never touch you again.”</p><p>Alex takes another deep breath, “I’m sorry. I’m so <em> sorry</em>.”</p><p>“What are you apologizing for?” Michael asks, incredulous. He runs his hands down Alex’s back and rubs his lower back.</p><p>“I never told you how broken I was, I let you touch me when I was tainted,” he whispers into Michael’s neck.</p><p>Michael’s anger boils, he wishes he could find that guard and kill him again. Torture him while Alex watched so he knew that Michael would do anything for him. Nothing else mattered. “I don’t care about that. <em> Fuck </em> that guard, you’re perfect and nothing he did to you changes that.” Alex groans in response so Michael pulls his head away from his neck so they’re looking at each other. “I love you Alex. You did what you had to to survive and I’m so glad you’re here. I’m sorry you suffered the way you did, but you’re here. You’re alive, and no one will ever harm you again.”</p><p>Alex sniffles and angrily wipes away the tears. “I love you, Michael. I don’t deserve you.”</p><p>“You deserve better,” Michael whispers, “You deserve the universe.” He strokes Alex’s face, wiping away the tears wetting his cheeks, “Thank you for trusting me with this. Thank you for letting me in.”</p><p>Alex smiles, unsure and tears still unshed in his eyes. “Don’t leave me.”</p><p>“Never,” Michael assures and pulls him tight against his chest. “Rest, my love. You’re safe, nothing will ever harm you again.”</p><p>Alex closes his eyes, exhales deeply, and sleeps safe in Michael’s arms.</p>
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